1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but
when you take him in a car he sticks his
head out the window?
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone
going faster is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles
a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we
have no idea where she is.
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how
long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking
three of them.
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of
mental illness. Think of two of your best
friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've
got a T-shirt with bloodstains all
over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell
you it's because they're such beautiful
animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but only have photographs of
her on the wall.
14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket
and said, "Don't you know a cow was
murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses.
Now I'll have to kill you too."
15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library,
the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald
Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Thanks to Mark Gunter
THE MAN QUIZ
In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both
shared:
a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers
You time your orgasm so that:
a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss SportsCenter
Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
Your girlfriend says she's gained five
pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate
You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron
Foreplay is to sex as:
a) appetiser is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride
Which of the following are you
most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."
A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make
sure you really are a man. If you answered
"b" more than seven times, check into therapy, you're still a
little confused. If you answered "c" more than
7 times, "You da MAN!"